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Working in a restaurant is a lot like working in a theatre. You have the audience in the form of guests, you have actors in the form of servers entertaining the guests, the kitchen serves as the backstage area, and the cooks and dishwashers are the stage crew. But what's interesting in this theatre, is that most of the action takes place backstage. In fact, this theatre is merely a skewy representation of the original, and a lot of the time, more interesting.
The director (my boss) flashes the universal finger to mouth "shh" sign rather than insisting on volume and diction. You see, we are a bit too loud in our rendition of Ambrosia's "You're the biggest part of me" and we need to bring it dooowwwn. Oww.
"Make a wish baby…"
The cast and crew are a bit down today all it takes is a simple seventies love groove (or is it 80's) to perk us all up. You see, it is one of those hellish days in which the patrons are throwing their vegetables at us.
"Excuse me miss, I didn't know there would be tomatoes in the marinara."
"This salmon tastes like fish"
"This pesto tastes like basil. I hate basil."
For those of you in the trade, you know what I am talking about, and for those of you who have never worked in a restaurant consider this your introduction. As most restaurant people would agree, everyone should have to work in a restaurant for a day, but that'll never happen, so lets just cover the basics.
Number one. Its serve–r not slave–r.
Number two. Servers are not octopi.
Number three. Servers do not cook your food. Do not kill the messenger.
Number four. The time continuum is still very much in effect. A restaurant is not a vacuum, it is a restaurant. It will take a few minutes to make your frothy, half caff, half decaf white chocolate chip cappuccino. Cappuccino does not grow on trees you know.
Number four. Stop asking questions you know the answers to. When you walk into a restaurant at 8:59pm and they close at 9, and proceed to have four courses, don't ask me during dessert and coffee time two hours later, if your being there is an inconvenience. The mere question is the inconvenience.
Number five. If you are going to ask me to go above and beyond the call of doodie, you will tip accordingly. And its really rather simple. Lets do a simple exercise.
Lets say your bill is $27. When figuring out tippage, start with ten percent…$2.70 (no, you do not round down to $2. This practice is growing more and more common and unacceptable). Then, just double that for twenty percent. To make this even simpler, instead of doubling the odd $2.7, just double $3 (rounding up) which equals $6. ($5.40 would be exactly 20%, and $4.05 would be 15%) If you need change for a $5, so you can tip me $4, you need to see a gastrointestinal doctor, for that clenched asshole. Oh…you are a gastro doctor…oh my. So sorry.
Number six. Minimum wage? Try $2 an hour. Tips are not merely bread and butter they are the meat. And speaking of bread and butter, please do not ask for an alternate type of bread or plain bread or margarine or whatever it is you 'need'. Bread is merely a pleasantry. Bread is not what you ordered, is it? What you specifically ordered will be delivered to your table in moments.
Number seven. If you're an unhappy person in general, don't blame me for your shortcomings…again, unless you plan to tip accordingly. (See number 5)
As with any job, the people you choose to work for and with make what you do worthwhile. If you are working for cheap bastards who don't pay you your worth (and not strictly in monetary terms) or a loose–cannoned chef firing at will (as in punching out bus boys and stabbing delivery drivers…yes, all true)
then maybe you're the asshole. But here in lies the dilemma for servers. Essentially, you work for a boss and an establishment, but the customers pay you what youre worth. Sometimes they throw tomatoes, but sometimes they shower you with roses. Its all relative. You are apt to receive a good tip for just doing an average job to getting the same tip for a job well done.
There will always be those who revel in the socio-economic strata between lord and servant; court and peasantry. As the quintessential actor/fool, the serv (er) (ant) panders to that (up to certain personal boundaries) and serves the master. It is a paid service. Who does not want to be treated like a king? If you can afford it, by all means have at it. (Again, see #5). But what is unfortunate, is that such service is not always valued as that. It is merely regarded as a given. TIPS: To Insure Proper Service, my lord.
Remember, you can never ascend higher than the throne that your clenched asshole sits apon.